But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize