Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
