Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
