Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
