I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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