20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
