So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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