I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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