You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
