I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
