Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
