I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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