What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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