Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
