make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
