There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
