i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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