Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
