did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
