saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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