Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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