Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
