nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize