Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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