No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
