If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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