I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
