ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
