I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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