I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
