Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
