I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was born a porn star she said
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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