i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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