He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you would pick up someone in the library
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
