I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Randomize
