I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The air was thick with penises
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
