i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize