this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
