I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
