He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
