Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
