you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
