one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
