dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
