Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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