Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's shark week go big or go home
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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