I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
