I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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