You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
