I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
