That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Shame is for Republicans.
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