I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
