I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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