so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
