The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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