It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
