my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
