please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
