The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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